January 22nd, 2005

I'm beat. No particular reason why, but probably everything catching up with me. I've been working a lot, investing much time and energy in my job so there's little left for my own pursuits when I get home. And I'm still caught in a conflict between being productive in the material sense, as in painting or writing, and having a social life. I realize the importance of socialization, especially from a professional standpoint wherein it really doesn't matter how much I paint or play music if I don't let anybody know that I do either. On the other hand, events that I've been invited to lately aren't intended to be networking socials, just the lets go get shitfaced sort of events. When I go out, there's only a few things that I'm looking for, not all at the same time, mind you, but my outings have to include at least one of these criteria in order to be a successful night out...
1. GOOD music. I haven't found my scene here in Chicago yet. I got some good leads on what I might be into, but I still have to find my niche. My roomates and I don't have the same tastes, and the shows that are booked here aren't usually my cup of tea. Sometimes I like the simple singer/ songwriter acoustic stuff, but I need some crazy, danceable jazz or afrofusion or other hippy music every once in a while. Dammit, Schleigho, come to Chicago.
2. GOOD Conversation. Preferably in an atmosphere where yelling is not required in order to here each other... especially having to yell over a juke box or plain shitty music. This one can get tricky because I know I'm not the best conversationalist, as in, conversation starter, but if someone else starts it up, I have an opinion on most everything, and love to espouse my rhetoric and philosophies. Talk about art and music is certainly acceptable, but life topics are more interesting. Yes, that's broad, but it excludes all things that I consider trivial, which you'll only know my opinion on by my silence.
3. GOOD Company. This one should be the easy one to achieve, but it still seems like when I go to things that I want to go to, I'm always solo. I'll have company for the events that I'm already less excited about attending, so I'm probably not the best company in those circumstances. I just get really uncomfortable and clam up when I don't like where I'm at, expecially in bars. Once again, I haven't even really found any places that I like to go to regardless of what's happening. Back in B'lo, Nietszche's was always a good scene, even though it was a bar, College Street Gallery, Arte Brutale, Albright Knox, Spot Coffee were all good spots. Although, now that I think about it, there was always a bit of awkwardness and unease during the early appearances of any new places for me, so I probably just have to get accustomed to all the new digs before I can appreciate them. I think I'm feeling my first taste of home sickness, maybe because it's a Saturday night and I have no clue about anything that's going on in Chicago or any cool places to go, but I know that if I were in Buffalo, I would know everything happening, know which ones will be good, and be sure that I'll know people there.

I find it funny that I have all these expectations, the same ones I have for my home, for a place I've only lived in for less than two months. I expect to be able to simply go to a show that I know will have good music in a place that I feel comfortable, with friends to hang out with and talk to. All it takes is time, I'll find the scenes, meet the people, and the rest will follow. There's also something somewhat depressing in the fact that I'm single in winter, and have been single for well over a year, not even any hook-ups or random kisses. I know I haven't really been proactive in that field, but lately, my bachelorhood has been getting to me, and I've been scouting more diligently. My problem is selectivity, I discount a lot of potential girlfriends before getting to know them. For some reason I have this irrational fear that I'll end up chatting up a girl who falls for me when I don't really dig her, and to avoid having to turn her down or succumb to my own weak will against better judgements, I refrain from seeming interested until I know enough about her... which can seem rather creepy at times since I'll be very hush about myself until all of a sudden I decide that I like this girl and it seems like I've been stalking her. Or, I really don't have a problem chatting up girls that I think are way out of my league because I don't mind getting hurt. It's just that for some reason, I don't want to be the one responsible for hurting someone else, more so than I care about my own feelings. So I can talk to incredibly attractive or sexy as long as I don't think they like me. I'm just so full of issues, I should become a magazine.

In other news, at work, I've been working on a faux painting job all week, while simultaneously designing a machine that will fit in the same space. The paint job is meant to resemble aged plaster walls, yellowing and stained, but the part that I've been working on is a three story tower, and you couldn't tell that anything was painted at all from the ground. So I took the initiative of getting some more colorant to add to the paint and adding some more effects to replicate the look of leaky windows and busted pipes. I got the best compliment a few days ago when the GC confessed that he thought that the pipes actually did burst until he saw that the paint job wasn't finished. I just hope the owner will like it because I'd rather not fix it, I actually think it looks really friggin cool. I'll post pics of that one soon. Went shopping today... at Cermak produce, you can buy a whole cow's head for $25. It's skinned, but it still has the eyeballs and tongue and such, and I was thinking about buying it just to have the skull. I'm tired again. Sleepytime draws near. Let me know what you kids are up to, and we can talk further about my many issues, and maybe I can sell you a subscription. Oh, and remember that Valentine's show on Feb. 11th, well I'll be playing at it now. I decided that it'll just be a short set of dirty little sex songs devoid of all emotion, just straight raunch. It'll be great, you should cum.